Jose Canseco III

The year was 1991. Jose Canseco had gone several weeks without hitting a home run and was becoming alarmed. No matter that this was December, 1991, and the baseball season was still months away from starting. His biceps felt deflated. The rhythm of his heartbeat was far too steady. "I feel empty," Jose Canseco said to the fish inside his massive, brilliant fish tank, "as if my broad shoulders have been robbed of their broadness." To clear his mind, Jose Canseco took his pet lion Mark McGwire on a sunset walk through his Miami neighborhood. They encountered an old woman sitting on a lawn chair. She saw Mark McGwire's dejected face. Then Jose Canseco's dejected face. "Take this," she told Jose Canseco, ripping a gold tooth from the back of her mouth. "Swallow it. Next year, you will be traded to the Texas Rangers for Ruben Sierra."