P&P MLB Predictions 2012: Opening Day!

image by Judy Van Der Velden

You thought we’d let the trend of the moment pass us by without offering up our own misguided attempts at humor and/or strangeness? You thought wrong!

Here are the P&P team’s predictions for the now-underway 2012 Major League Baseball Season:

  • Injuries force the Rockies to give up their personal vendetta against Eric Young Jr. and allow him to start 140 games; he puts up a line exactly like his father’s twenty years ago (.270/.355/.355 with 40 stolen bases). – Patrick
  • As a part of their youth movement, the Astros organization fires every ballpark usher over the age of 75. – Ted
  • Roy Oswalt will sign with the Reds in May. In June, Roy Oswalt and the Reds will agree to a 9-year, $273 million extension. -Eric
  • Felipe Paulino uses a new grip on his 95 mph fastball that induces half an inch of movement. He ends up leading the team with a sub-4.00 ERA. – Patrick
  • This will finally be the year America learns to love Bud Selig. -Eric
  • Brandon McCarthy, in an endless pursuit to better himself, rediscovers the gyroball. – Patrick
  • Someone on twitter will leak internal discussions by MLB to run the bases clockwise for one game. -Patrick
  • During a random inning in mid-August, Jamie Moyer throws exactly one 97-m.p.h. fastball, only to immediately resume his normal velocity a pitch later. – Ted
  • Between Colby Rasmus, Kelly Johnson, Adam Lind, Edwin Encarnacion, and J.P. Arencibia, the Blue Jays become the first team to hit less than .230 and slug more than .430. – Patrick
  • Hanley Ramirez and Jose Reyes become so tight that they agree to play shortstop together. – Ted
  • Billy Beane is fired at midseason and replaced by Bill Bavasi. The A’s turn around, finish .500, and trade all their prospects for Joe Blanton and Brian Duensing. – Patrick
  • Albert Pujols hits a home run so high that it hits an angel on the ass. That angel is Ty Cobb’s third cousin Millicent. – Ted
  • Todd Helton’s back acts up and he gets cut on June 1. He signs on, plays a dozen painful games, and retires with the Arizona Diamondbacks. – Patrick
  • Bud Selig approves a deal in which all 30 MLB teams agree to share bullpens. – Ted
  • Justin Morneau and Brian Roberts collide during a double play in early May. Both of their heads explode like in the movie Scanners. – Patrick
  • Frank McCourt works his way back up the Dodgers ladder to the front office after starting the year in the basement mailroom. Wearing a fake mustache and going by the alias John-Jack Lasorda. – Ted
  • A fan leaps onto the field and tries to light a Miami Marlins jersey on fire. Rick Monday is at the game, but doesn’t move an inch. – Patrick
  • Chris Iannetta is, at some point, sad. – Patrick
  • Ryan Braun finally beats Reggie Miller in a game of ping pong. – Patrick
  • Skip Schumaker accidentally bats out of order three times, but because everyone is so used to Tony La Russa, no one notices. – Patrick
  • John Axford, ironically, trips over a teammate’s novelty mustache.
  • Umpires get together and decide to call the slidestep a balk for a single day. Chaos ensues. – Patrick
  • Someone on Twitter will leak internal discussions by MLB to run the bases clockwise for one game. -Patrick
  • Johan Santana will start 32 games. Over the next four years. -Patrick
  • Josh Beckett will go on the DL with his old blister problems, meaning that the Red Sox will be paying more for injured starters than the Royals will pay for their entire lineup. -Patrick
  • Knucklepuck! – Ted
  • Hipsters everywhere rejoice as the neckbeard overtakes the handlebar mustache as baseball’s ironic facial hair of choice. -Patrick
  • Erik Bedard will look at himself in the mirror and realize that no one will ever call him “a poor man’s Steve Carlton”. -Patrick
  • The new Marlins Park home run feature will eat no more than two center fielders. – Ted

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