An Imagined Interview with Hal Morris by Dylan Little

Don’t ask us where Dylan Little came from. He is, according to himself, a lifeguard at a turtle hospital. You can follow him on Twitter @orangehunchback.

Interviewer’s Note: While at a Ponderosa Steakhouse in Cincinnati, Ohio I ran into former Reds legend Hal Morris. He sat in a booth adjacent to the buffet. At first it appeared that he had a stack of pancakes on his plate, but further inspection revealed that the flapjacks were instead three thin steaks covered in beef gravy. Morris had no beverage save a bowl of cherry pie filling. Though I was interrupting his meal, Mr. Morris exhibited the grace you would expect from a man with a career OBP of .361.

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Interviewer: What was it like being a rookie starting at first base for that 1990 Reds team?

Hal Morris: At first it was like Chris Sabo dragging you to the mall so he could shop for a new pair of ball googles, and sometimes it’s like your down in Sarasota and Eric Davis keeps crapping in your scooper.

IV: That sounds brutal. Was hazing typical?

HM: I don’t know. I guess so. I helped some dudes pour some Skyline Chili in Reggie Sanders’ Walkman the next year. But you’re missing the point. That was a World Series Team. World’s Champions. Hell, I would’ve let Mariano drop Duncan donuts on the dash of my Fiero if it meant another ring.

IV: Were you nervous taking over first base duties for Todd Benzinger?

HM: Not really… Piniella thought Toddy Benz was so ugly at first base he practically gave the spot away.

IV: Do you mean that Pineilla didn’t think Benzinger was a good fielder?

HM: No, Benzo was a solid ball player. I don’t know what I meant by that. I was just saying, being a one-bagger in the senior circuit is easy. It’s basically the DH of the NL. No one expects you to field, just grab a piece of leather the size of the butt of one of Marge Schott’s dogs and pretend like you’ve been there before.