Gopher balls might sell Big Macs and steaks, but the savvy marketeer knows that it’s character, not four-baggers, that defines a spokesman. I’m talking about the kind of character sculpted from a career of undeniable mediocrity, in which the only currency is stick-to-it-ive-ness and positivity in the face of sure obscurity. An OPS over .700? No thanks, you’ve probably got a big head about it. Your baseball-reference stats compare you favorably with Barry Larkin and Ryne Sandberg? I bet you don’t even tip well. In this economy, it’s all about value, it’s all about trust.
Well sir, I’ll ask you, then, what better face for the business you want to build than a nine-year utility infielder with fewer career home runs than Carlos Zambrano? Humility, good cheer, and light-hitting whimsy, thy names are Casey Candaele, and thy baseball-reference page is now available for the price of seventeen Big Macs, or 25% of one steak: I’m talking ten American dollars.
Listen, I’m not going to chew your earflap off claiming that Casey Candaele had a noteworthy career, or that he changed the way the game is played. I’ll save that for the bigwigs over at Champion Ford of Alexandria. I’m here to say that Casey was there when you needed him, no matter how sparingly, or even if you needed him to be somewhere else, like upstate New York, or Canada. He’s in touch with the real America, folks, and the real Canada, where there’s REAL MONEY (Canada not included).
If an unremarkable baseball career of no distinction isn’t wetting your whistle, then let me give you an insight into Casey’s aforementioned character. While most of your hot shot big money sluggers were headlining charity golf tournaments and getting roasted by their celebrity friends, Casey Candaele was hosting Naked Batting Practice. According to an old mlb.com article, “Sunday mornings were designated ‘naked batting practice’ days. Candaele would go to the batting cages located near the Astros’clubhouse, wearing nothing more than his Spring Training sunburn, to take a few cuts in preparation of [sic] the upcoming game.” If you happen to run a tanning salon, or coordinate membership for a nude beach, I don’t even know why we’re still sitting here talking all business-like.
(If you’re some kind of masochist and you want an informed, detailed account of Casey’s baseball career, you’ll find it here.)
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